Three paramedics were boasting about improvements in their
respective ambulance team’s response times.
“Since we installed our new satellite navigation system,”
bragged the first one, “we cut our emergency response time
by ten percent.”
The other paramedics nodded in approval. “Not bad,” the
second paramedic commented. “But by using a computer model
of traffic patterns, we’ve cut our average response time by
Again, the other team members gave their congratulations,
until the third paramedic said, “That’s nothing! Since our
ambulance driver passed the bar exam, we’ve cut our
emergency response time in half!”
An old couple was married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, their neighbors could hear screaming and yelling deep into the night. The old man would shout, “When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!”
Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact that he was feared.
To everyone’s relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 68. His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.
Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, “Aren’t you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?”
The wife put down her drink and said, “Let him dig. I had him buried upside down.”
“There are only two things a child will share willingly —
communicable diseases and his mother’s age.”
A little old lady answered a knock on the door
one day, only to become fronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a
vacuum cleaner.”Good morning,” said the young man. “If I could take a
couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest
in high- powered vacuum cleaners.”
“Go away!” said the old lady. “I haven’t got any
money!” and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot
in the door and pushed it wide open.”Don’t be too hasty!” he said. “Not
until you have at least seen my demonstration.”
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse
manure onto her hallway carpet. “If this vacuum cleaner does not remove
all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally
eat the remainder.”
The old lady stepped back and said, “Well I hope
you’ve got a damn good appetite, because they cut off my electricity
One weekend my friend, a nurse, was looking after her
six-year-old nephew when he fell off a playground slide and
hit his head.
Worried that he might have a concussion, she checked him all
night. Every hour, she’d gently shake him and ask, “What’s
your name?” Soon, he began moaning in protest each time she
entered the room.
When Sally went in at 5:00 A.M., she found something white
on his forehead. Leaning close, she saw a crayon-scrawled
message taped to his forehead.
It read: “My name is Daniel.”
The teacher asked one of her young students if he knew his
“Yes,” he said. “I do. My father taught me.”
“Good. What comes after three.”
“Four,” answers the boy.
“What comes after six?”
“Very good,” says the teacher. “Your dad did a good job.
What comes after ten?”
“A jack,” says the little boy.
How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue… and
then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake? Where does the glue