Archive for Funny Quotes

Classic Groaner: The Sauce

A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his

mouth. The dentist examines him and says, “that new upper plate I put

in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?”

The man replies, “all I can think of is that about four months ago my

wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious

. . .. Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on

everything — meat, toast, fish, vegetables, everything.”

“Well,” says the dentist, “that’s probably the problem. Hollandaise

sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive.

It’s eaten away your upper plate. I’ll make you a new plate, and this

time use chrome.”

“Why chrome?” asks the patient.

The dentist replies, “It’s simple. Everyone knows that there’s no

plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!”

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Lawyer Bashing

Q: What do you call 500 lawyers at the bottom of Hudson Bay?

A: A good start.

=================

Q: What’s the difference between a dead lawyer on the road and a dead

polecat?

A: There are skid marks around the polecat.

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Funny Jokes

Golf joke

1. Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle.

2. “I wish I could play my normal game…just once.”

3. “Golf is harder than baseball. In golf, you have to play your foul balls.”

4. If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here’s a valuable tip: your life is in trouble.

5. Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot.

6. The term “mulligan” is really a contraction of the phrase “maul it again.”

7. A “gimmie” can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers… neither of whom can putt very well.

8. An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play; it is always possible to get worse.

9. Golf’s a hard game to figure. One day you’ll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink.

10. I play in the low 80s. If it’s any hotter than that, I won’t play.

11. If your best shots are the practice swing and the “gimme” Putt, you might wish to reconsider this game.

12. Achieving a certain level of success in golf is only important if you can finally enjoy the level you’ve reached after you’ve really reached it.

13. Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.

14. Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won’t work and both are Expensive.

15. The best wood in most golfers’ bags is the pencil.

16. To some golfers, the greatest handicap is the ability to add correctly.

17. In golf, some people tend to get confused with all the numbers … they shoot a “six,” yell “fore” and write “five.”

18. Swing easy. Hit hard.

19. If you find yourself pleased that you locate more balls in the rough than you actually have lost, your focus is totally wrong and your personality might not be right for golf… it is also just a matter of time before the IRS investigates your business.

20. Why is it twice as difficult to hit a ball over water than sand?

21. Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks!

Funny Quotes
Funny Simon Cowell Quotes

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Teacher Applicant

After being interviewed by the school administration, the eager teaching prospect said: 
 
“Let me see if I’ve got this right. You want me to go into that room with all those kids, and fill their every waking moment with a love for learning, and I’m supposed to instill a sense of pride in their ethnicity, modify their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse and even censor their T-shirt messages and dress habits. 

You want me to wage a war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, check their backpacks for weapons of mass destruction, and raise their self
esteem. You want me to teach them patriotism, good citizenship, sportsmanship, fair play, how to register to vote, how to balance a checkbook, and how to apply for a job. 

I am to check their heads for lice, maintain a safe environment, recognize signs of anti-social behavior, make sure all students pass the state exams, even those who don’t come to school regularly or complete any of their assignments. 

Plus, I am to make sure that all of the students with handicaps get an equal education regardless of the extent of their mental or physical handicap. I am to communicate regularly with the parents by letter, telephone, newsletter and report card. 

All of this I am to do with just a piece of chalk, a computer, a few books, a bulletin board, a big smile AND on a starting salary that qualifies my family for food stamps! 

You want me to do all of this and then you tell me… 
I CAN’T PRAY?”

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Golf Joke

Funny Jokes – Golf Jokes

Eighteen holes of match play will teach you more about your foe than
18 years of dealing with him across a desk.

Grantland Rice

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Jokes Blog – Funny Jokes – Bad Car

Signs You’ve Bought A Bad Car Your tinted windows are also known as Hefty
Garbage Bags. The car reaches its optimum speed when going downhill. The
hi-tech stereo system often requires a new needle. The rearview mirror says,
“Objects in Mirror Are Better Than This Piece of Junk.” The odometer on
the dashboard is not as sophisticated as the everyday abacus. Traffic
Watch warns other drivers what highway you’re taking. The sticker on the
windshield says, “Batteries Not Included.” You fill up the tank with
Unleaded Coal. You can only go to restaurants that offer Valet Pushing.
When you approach hitchhikers, they put their thumbs down

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Jokes Blog – Funny Quotes – Old Family Bible

Funny Quotes – Old Family Bible

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to
her brother in another part of the country.

“Is there anything breakable in here?” asked the postal clerk.

“Only the Ten Commandments.” answered the lady.

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