Archive for August, 2007

Stop or slow down

 

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriffs Deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputies expense…

Deputy says, “License and registration, please.”
Lawyer says, “What for?”
Deputy says, “You didn’t come to a complete stop at the stop sign “

Lawyer says, “I slowed down, and no one was coming.”
Deputy says, “You still didn’t come to a complete stop. License and registration, please.”

Lawyer says, “What’s the difference?”
Deputy says, “The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that’s the law. License and registration, please!”

Lawyer says, “If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket.”Deputy says, “Exit your vehicle, sir.”

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving snot out of the lawyer and says: “Do you want me to stop or just slow down?”

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Blonde Guy

 An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work

on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating

lunch and the Irishman said, “Corned beef and cabbage! If I get

corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I’m going to jump

off this building.”

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, “Burritos again! If

I get burritos one more time I’m going to jump off, too.”

The blonde opened his lunch and said, Bologna again! If I get a

bologna sandwich one more time, I’m jumping too.”

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and

cabbage and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a

burrito, and jumped, too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the

bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman’s wife was weeping. She said, “If I’d

known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never

would have given it to him again!”

The Mexican’s wife also wept and said, “I could have given him tacos

or enchiladas! I didn’t realize he hated burritos so much.”

(Oh this is GOOD!!)

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde guy’s wife. The blonde’s wife

said,  “Don’t look at me. He makes his own lunch.”

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I’m worried about the staff at my new HMO – do these seem right to you?

HMO clinical definitions: 

Benign…………….What you be after you be eight. 

Bacteria……………Back door to cafeteria. 
Barium……………..What you do with dead folks. 
Cesarean Section…….A neighborhood in Rome. 
Catscan…………….Searching for the cat. 
Cauterize……….Made eye contact with her. 
Colic……………A sheep dog. 
Coma……………A punctuation mark. 
D&C…………….Where Washington is.

Dilate………….To live longer than your kids do. 
Enema………….Not a friend. 
Fester…………Quicker than someone else. 
Fibula…………A small lie. 
G.I.Series………World Series of military baseball. 
Hangnail………..What you hang your coat on. 
Impotent………..Distinguished, well known. 
Labor Pain……….Getting hurt at work. 
Morbid…………..A higher offer than I bid. 
Nitrates…………Cheaper than day rates. 
Medical Staff…….A Doctor’s cane, sometimes shown with a snake.

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Computer vs. Cars

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and
affection for the way
computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a
recent computer expo
(COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the
computer industry with the
auto industry and stated, “If GM had kept up with
technology like the
computer industry has, we would all be driving
$25.00 cars that got
1,000 miles to the gallon.”

In response to Bill’s comments, General Motors
issued a press release
stating: “If GM had developed technology like
Microsoft, we would all
be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash
every day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road,
you would have to
buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway
for no reason. You
would have to pull to the side of the road, close
all of the windows,
shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows
before you could
continue. For some reason you would simply accept
this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a
left turn would cause
your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in
which case you would
have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by
the sun, was
reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to
drive – but would run
on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator
warning lights would all
be replaced by a single “This Car Has Performed an
Illegal Operation”
warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask “Are you sure?”
before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car
would lock you out
and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously
lifted the door
handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio
antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers
would have to learn
how to drive all over again because none of the
controls would operate
in the same manner as the old car.

10. You’d have to press the “Start” button to turn
the engine off.”

Please share this with your friends who love – but
sometimes hate – their computer!

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Fire wagon

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he
notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders
hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl is wearing a fire fighter’s helmet. The wagon is being pulled
by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter walked over to take a
closer look.

“That sure is a nice fire truck,” the fire fighter says with admiration.

“Thanks” the girl says.

The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied
the wagon to her dog’s collar and to the cat’s testicles.

“Little Partner”, the fire fighter says, “I don’t want to tell you how to
run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat’s collar too,
I think you could go faster.”

The little girl replies thoughtfully, “You’re probably right… but then I wouldn’t have a siren.”

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METHODIST SQUIRRELS

 

There were four country churches in a small Arkansas town:
The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church, the Methodist Church and the Catholic Church.  Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels.
One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels.  After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn’t interfere with God’s divine will.
In the Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery.  The deacons met and decided to put a large plywood cover on the baptistery and flood it.  The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.
The Catholic group got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creation.  So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town.  Three days later, the squirrels were back.
But — the Methodist Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church.  Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

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