MOTHER’S DAY happens Nine months after Father’s Day.
My mother told me a million times not to exaggerate
The child had his mother’s eyes, his mother’s nose, and his mother’s mouth. Which leaves his mother with a pretty blank expression.
– Robert Benchley
Mothers mold the children’s minds. Some of you have done well. There are a lot of moldy-minded kids around.
–Norm Crosby
TOP 10 SIGNS YOUR CAT HAS LEARNED YOUR INTERNET PASSWORD
10. E-Mail flames from some guy named Fluffy.”
9. Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard.
8. You find you’ve been subscribed to strange newsgroups like
alt.
recreational.
catnip.
7. Your web browser has a new home page:
. 6. Your mouse has teeth marks in it …
and a strange aroma of tuna.
5. Hate-mail messages to Apple Computer Corp.
about their release of “CyberDog.”
4. Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial scent to it.
3. You keep finding new software around your house like CatinTax and WarCat II.
2. On IRC you’re known as the IronMouser.
1. Little kitty carpal-tunnel braces near the scratching post.
Well, a man was driving down a country road, and he decided to get out and get some fresh air.
He got out, and started walking in a meadow. As he walked, he came upon a hole. Wanting to see how deep it was, he threw a pebble down. No sound. So he threw a medium-sized rock down. No sound.
The man started to get frustrated, so he threw a boulder down. No sound. As he searched about, he spotted a railroad beam. He hauled it over to the hole, and shoved it in. No sound.
He sat down on the ground, exhausted. Suddenly, he saw a goat running at him, full speed. He leaped up, and it brushed past him, and fell in the hole. He listened, but there was no sound.
He sat down again. A few minutes later, a farmer came walking up. The man asked him, “How deep is this hole?” The farmer said, “Oh. Thats the bottomless pit. It never ends. Say, have you seen my prize goat?”
The man, not wanting to get the blame, said, “No.” The farmer said, “Oh well. He can’t get far. He was tied to a railroad beam.”
A father walks into a bookstore with his young son. The boy is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy’s testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy’s testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, “I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?”
“No,” the woman replied, … “Divorce attorney”
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to
get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they
pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind
the counter: “Are you the owner?”
The pharmacist answers “Yes”.
Jacob: “We’re about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?”
Pharmacist: “Of course we do.”
Jacob: “How about medicine for circulation?”
Pharmacist: “All kinds.”
Jacob: “Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis?”
Pharmacist: “Definitely.”
Jacob: “How about Viagra?”
Pharmacist: “Of course.”
Jacob: “Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?”
Pharmacist: “Yes, a large variety. The works.”
Jacob: “What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson’s disease?”
Pharmacist: “Absolutely.”
Jacob: “You sell wheelchairs and walkers?”
Pharmacist: “All speeds and sizes”
Jacob says to the pharmacist: “We’d like to use this store as our Bridal Registry.
Air France
U.S. UPSET THAT FRENCH RELEASED AIRLINE PASSENGERS WITHOUT PROBABLE CAUSE
Should Have Detained Passengers A Year Or Two, Says Ashcroft
John Ashcroft and other high ranking Bush Administration
officials said the French were “soft on terror” after they
released all the passengers booked on six Air France flights
to Los Angeles after a mere ten hours. Authorities believed
that some of the passengers may have had links to al Qaeda
and may have had plans to do something in the future to
someone or something somewhere.
“This is not the way we deal with terrorists in the United
States,” said Ashcroft. “If you’re serious, you detain
everybody for at least a year.”
Andy Card agreed. “The French had no reason to believe
that any of those passengers was not connected to
terrorism, but still they just let them march right out of
custody and back to their lives and families. Pathetic.”
“I guess it must be a froggy thing,” said Ashcroft.
At first officials suspected that those who showed up to
board the flight could be terrorists, but they now suspect
that those who did not show up to take the flight could
be terrorists.
New Years Eve Day
It was the early morning hours of New Year’s Eve, and the phone
at our small post office rang constantly with people asking the postal
clerk if there would be mail delivery that day. To put a stop to the
interruptions, the clerk had the local radio station announce that there
would be mail delivery.
She had a few moments’ peace after that, until the phone interrupted.
“I just heard on the radio that there will be mail delivery today,” the
voice on the other end said. “Is that true?”
Off The Corner!
A rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with an
experienced partner. A call came over the car’s radio telling them
to disperse some people who were loitering.
The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd
standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said,
“Let’s get off the corner.”
No one moved, so he barked again, “Let’s get off the corner!”
Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled
glances in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the
young policeman turned to his partner and asked, “Well, how did
I do?”
“Pretty good,” replied the veteran, “especially since this is a
bus stop.”
Man and Woman
Why did God create Man before Woman?
He didn’t want any advice.
A man is a person who, if a woman says, “Never mind, I’ll do it
myself; lets her.
A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, “Never mind, I’ll do
it myself,” and he lets her; gets mad.
A man is a person who, if a woman says to him, “Never mind, I’ll do
it myself,” and he lets her and she gets mad; says, “Now what are
you mad about?”
A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, “Never mind, I’ll do
it myself,” and he lets her and she gets mad, and he says, “Now what
are mad about?” says, “If you don’t know I’m not going to tell you.”
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