Archive for October, 2007

Toddler

Funny Jokes – Humor and Funny Jokes

I was packing for my business trip and my 3-year old daughter
was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, “Daddy,
look at this,” and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in
my mouth and said, “Daddy’s gonna eat your fingers!” pretending to eat them
before I rushed out of the room again.

When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers
with a devastated look on her face.

I said, “What’s wrong, honey?”

She replied, “What happened to my booger?”

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Funny Jokes – Humor and Funny Jokes – Battle of the Sexes

A man is a person who, if a woman says, “Never mind, I’ll do it
myself; lets her.

A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, “Never mind, I’ll do
it myself,” and he lets her; gets mad.

A man is a person who, if a woman says to him, “Never mind, I’ll do
it myself,” and he lets her and she gets mad; says, “Now what are
you mad about?”

A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, “Never mind, I’ll do
it myself,” and he lets her and she gets mad, and he says, “Now what
are mad about?” says, “If you don’t know I’m not going to tell you.”

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Funny Jokes – FORBIDDEN FRUIT

Whenever your kids are out of control, take comfort from the thought
that even God’s omnipotence did not extend to His kids … After
creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first
thing He said to them was: “Don’t.”

“Don’t what?” Adam asked.

“Don’t eat the Forbidden Fruit,” God replied.

“Forbidden fruit?… We got Forbidden Fruit?… Hey Eve, we got
Forbidden Fruit!”

“No way!”

“WAY!”

“Don’t eat that fruit!” said God.

“Why?”

“Because I am your Father, and I said so!” said God (wondering why
he hadn’t stopped after making the elephants).

A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and He
was angry.

“Didn’t I tell you NOT to eat that fruit?” the First Parent asked.

“Uh huh,” Adam replied.

“Then why did you?”

“I dunno,” Eve answered.

“She started it!” Adam said.

“Did not!”

“DID so!”

“DID NOT!”

Having had it with the two of them, God’s punishment was that Adam
and Eve should have children of their own … thus the pattern was
set, and it has never changed.

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Funny Jokes – Embarrassed

An elderly widow and widower were dating for about five years.

The man finally decided to ask her to marry him.

She immediately said “yes”.

The next morning when he awoke, he couldn’t remember what her answer
was! Was she happy? I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny…”

After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail, he got on the
telephone and gave her a call. Embarrassed, he admitted that he
didn’t remember her answer to the marriage proposal.

“Oh”, she said, “I’m so glad you called. I remembered saying ‘yes’ to
someone, but I couldn’t remember who it was.”

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Funny Jokes – Elderly Driving

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could barely
see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an
intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, “I must be
losing my mind, I swear we just went through a red light.”

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the
light was red again, and again they went right through. This time
the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had
been red, but was really concerned that she was mistaken.

She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to
the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red
and they went right through. She turned to woman driving and
said, “Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in
a row! You could have killed us!”

Mildred turned to her and said, “Oh, am I driving?”

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Funny Jokes – A Question and Answer

Q. What do Winnie the Pooh and John the Baptist have in common?

A. They both have the same middle name.
 
Funny Quotes

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Funny Jokes – Modern Marriage

(A scene at City Hall in Portland, or San Francisco, or anytown USA )

“Next.”

“Good morning. We want to apply for a marriage license.”

“Names?”

“Tim and Jim Jones.”

“Jones? Are you related? I see a resemblance.”

“Yes, we’re brothers.”

“Brothers? You can’t get married.”

“Why not? Aren’t you giving marriage licenses to same gender
couples?”

“Yes, thousands. But we haven’t had any siblings. That’s incest!”

“Incest?” No, we are not gay.”

“Not gay? Then why do you want to get married?”

“For the financial benefits, of course. And we do love each other.

“Besides, we don’t have any other prospects.”

“But we’re issuing marriage licenses to gay and lesbian couples
who’ve
been denied equal protection under the law. If you are not gay, you
can
get married to a woman.”

“Wait a minute. A gay man has the same right to marry a woman as I
have.
But just because I’m straight doesn’t mean I want to marry a woman. I
want to marry Jim.”

“And I want to marry Tim, Are you going to discriminate against us
just
because we are not gay?”

“All right, all right. I’ll give you your license. Next.”

“Hi. We are here to get married.”

“Names?”

“John Smith, Jane James, Robert Green, and June Johnson.”

“Who wants to marry whom?”

“We all want to marry each other.”

“But there are four of you!”

“That’s right. You see, we’re all bisexual. I love Jane and Robert,
Jane
loves me and June, June loves Robert and Jane, and Robert loves June
and
me. All of us getting married together is the only way that we can
express our sexual preferences in a marital relationship.”

“But we’ve only been granting licenses to gay and lesbian couples.”

“So you’re discriminating against bisexuals!”

“No, it’s just that, well, the traditional idea of marriage is that
it’s
just for couples.”

“Since when are you standing on tradition?”

“Well, I mean, you have to draw the line somewhere.”

“Who says? There’s no logical reason to limit marriage to couples.
The
more the better. Besides, we demand our rights! The mayor says the
constitution guarantees equal protection under the law. Give us a
marriage license!”

“All right, all right. Next.”

“Hello, I’d like a marriage license.”

“In what names?”

“David Deets.”

“And the other man?”

“That’s all. I want to marry myself.”

“Marry yourself? What do you mean?”

“Well, my psychiatrist says I have a dual personality, so I want to
marry the two together. Maybe I can file a joint income-tax return.”

“That does it! I quit!! You people are making a mockery of marriage!”

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