Archive for November, 2007

Funny Jokes – Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Woods turns to Wonder and
says,

“How’s the singing career going?”

Stevie Wonder replies, “Not too bad. How’s the golf?”

Woods replies, “Not too bad, I’ve had some problems with my swing, but I
think I’ve got that going right now.”

Stevie says, “I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to
stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I
play, it seems to be all right.”

Tiger says, “You play golf?”

Wonder says, “Oh, yes, I’ve been playing for years.”

Woods says, “But you’re blind! How can you play golf if you can’t see?”

Wonder replies, “I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway
and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball
toward him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to
the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball toward
his voice.”

“But how do you putt?” asks Woods.

“Well,” says Stevie, “I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole
and call to me with his head on the ground, and I just play the ball
toward his voice.”

Woods asks, “What’s your handicap?”

Stevie says, “Well, I’m a scratch golfer.”

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, “We’ve got to play a round
sometime.”

Wonder replies, “Well, people don’t take me seriously, so I only play
for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole.”

Woods thinks about it and says, “OK, I’m game for that, when would you
like to play?”

Stevie says, “Pick a night.”

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Collateral

Collateral

Long ago there was once an old native American who wanted a loan for $500. The
banker pulled out the loan application, “What are you going to do with the
money?”

“Take jewelery to city and sell it,” was the response.

“What have you got for collateral?”

“Don’t know collateral.”

“Well that’s something of value that would cover the cost of
the loan.Have you got any vehicles?”

“Yes, 1949 Chevy pickup.”

The banker shook his head, “How about livestock?”

“Yes, I have a horse.”

“How old is it?”

“Don’t know, has no teeth.”

Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan. Several
weeks later the old man was back in the bank. He pulled out a roll of bills,
“Here to pay.” he said. He then handed the banker the money to pay his loan off.

“What are you going to do with the rest of that money?”

“Put in tepee.”

“Why don’t you deposit it in my bank,” he asked.

“Don’t know deposit.”

“You put the money in our bank and we take care of it for
you. When you want to use it you can withdraw it.”

The old Indian leaned across the desk, “What you got for
collateral?”

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Golf Joke

Funny Jokes – Golf Jokes

Eighteen holes of match play will teach you more about your foe than
18 years of dealing with him across a desk.

Grantland Rice

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Jokes Blog – Funny Jokes – Bad Car

Signs You’ve Bought A Bad Car Your tinted windows are also known as Hefty
Garbage Bags. The car reaches its optimum speed when going downhill. The
hi-tech stereo system often requires a new needle. The rearview mirror says,
“Objects in Mirror Are Better Than This Piece of Junk.” The odometer on
the dashboard is not as sophisticated as the everyday abacus. Traffic
Watch warns other drivers what highway you’re taking. The sticker on the
windshield says, “Batteries Not Included.” You fill up the tank with
Unleaded Coal. You can only go to restaurants that offer Valet Pushing.
When you approach hitchhikers, they put their thumbs down

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Jokes Blog – Funny Jokes – Jokes – YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2007 WHEN…..

Funny Jokes – YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2007 WHEN…..

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they
don’t have e-mail addresses.

6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the
phone in a business manner.

7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial “9” to
get an outside line.

8. You’ve sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three
different companies.

9. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o’clock news.

10. Your boss doesn’t have the ability to do your job.

11. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get
long-service awards.

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Jokes Blog – Funny Jokes – Brown Thumb

 No matter how hard my dad tries, every plant or
flower he has attempted to grow seems to wither
and die an untimely death under his care.  But he
never gives up hope.
While she was visiting home recently, my sister
pointed to a line of new plants my dad had placed
by the kitchen bay window.  “Look,” she whispered,
“death row.”

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Jokes Blog – Funny Jokes – The Lost Generation

Funny Jokes – The Lost Generation

You’re Lost Between A Baby Boomer And A Gen X’er If…
1. You remember when Jordache jeans were cool.
2. In your fifth grade class picture you were wearing an Izod
shirt with the collar up.
3. You know by heart the words to any Weird Al Yankovic song
4. You ever rang someone’s doorbell and said “Landshark!”
5. Three words: Atari, IntelliVision and Coleco, sound familiar
6. You remember the days when “safe sex” meant that your parents
were gone for the weekend.
7. You remember Friday Night Videos before the days of MTV.
8. A predominant color in your childhood photos is plaid.
9. While in high school, you and your friends discussed
elaborate plans to get together again at the end of the
century and play Prince’s “1999” until you passed out
partying.
10. You remember when music that was labeled alternative, really
was alternative.
11. You took family trips BEFORE the invention of the minivan.
12. You rode in the back of the station wagon and you faced the
cars behind you.
13. You’ve ever conversationally used the phrase, “Jane, you
ignorant slut!”
14. Schoolhouse Rock played a HUGE part in how you actually
learned the English language.
15. You’re starting to view getting carded to buy alcohol as a
GOOD thing.
16. You ever dressed to emulate a person you saw in either a
Duran Duran, Madonna or Cyndi Lauper video.
17. The first time you ever kissed someone at a dance came
during “Crazy for You,” by Madonna
18. You remember with pain the sad day when the Green Machine
hit the streets and made your old Big Wheel quite
obsolete.
19. The phrase “Where’s the beef,” still doubles you over with
laughter.
20. You honestly remember when film critics raved that no movie
could ever possibly get better special effects than those
in the movie TRON.
21. Ted the photographer on The Love Boat.
22. Your hair at some point in time in the 80’s became something
which can only be described by the phrase, “I was
experimenting.”

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