Jokes Blog

Three paramedics were boasting about improvements in their
respective ambulance team’s response times.

“Since we installed our new satellite navigation system,”
bragged the first one, “we cut our emergency response time
by ten percent.”

The other paramedics nodded in approval. “Not bad,” the
second paramedic commented. “But by using a computer model
of traffic patterns, we’ve cut our average response time by
20 percent.”

Again, the other team members gave their congratulations,
until the third paramedic said, “That’s nothing! Since our
ambulance driver passed the bar exam, we’ve cut our
emergency response time in half!”

An old couple was married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, their neighbors could hear screaming and yelling deep into the night. The old man would shout, “When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!”
 
Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact that he was feared.

To everyone’s relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 68. His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, “Aren’t you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?”
The wife put down her drink and said, “Let him dig. I had him buried upside down.”

A little old lady answered a knock on the door
one day, only to become fronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a
vacuum cleaner.”Good morning,” said the young man. “If I could take a
couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest
in high- powered vacuum cleaners.”
“Go away!” said the old lady. “I haven’t got any
money!” and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot
in the door and pushed it wide open.”Don’t be too hasty!” he said. “Not
until you have at least seen my demonstration.”
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse
manure onto her hallway carpet. “If this vacuum cleaner does not remove
all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally
eat the remainder.”

The old lady stepped back and said, “Well I hope
you’ve got a damn good appetite, because they cut off my electricity
this morning.”

Surgeons invited to dinner parties are often asked to carve
the meat — or worse yet, to watch the host carve while
commenting on the surgeon’s occupation.

At one party, a surgeon friend was watching the carving
while Harry, his host, kept up a running commentary: “How am
I doing, doc? How do you like that technique? I’d make a
pretty good surgeon, don’t you think?”

When the host finished and the slices of meat lay neatly on
the serving platter, the surgeon spoke up: “Anybody can take
them apart, Harry. Now let’s see you put them back together
again.”