MOTHER’S DAY happens Nine months after Father’s Day.
My mother told me a million times not to exaggerate
The child had his mother’s eyes, his mother’s nose, and his mother’s mouth. Which leaves his mother with a pretty blank expression.
– Robert Benchley
Mothers mold the children’s minds. Some of you have done well. There are a lot of moldy-minded kids around.
–Norm Crosby
Q. Why did the Easter Bunny hide the egg?
A. Because it was a little chicken.
Q. What does the Easter Rabbit get for making a basket?
A. Two points just like everybody!
Q. What do you call a rabbit with fleas?
A. Bugs Bunny
Q. What do you call a dumb bunny?A. A hare brain.
Q. What’s the best way to catch a unique rabbit?
A. You ‘nique up on him.
Q. How do you catch a tame rabbit?
A. Tame way, unique up on it.
Q. How many hairs in a rabbit’s tail?
A. None, they’re all on the outside.
Top 10 Signs the Easter Bunny is Nuts
10. Neighbors describing him as “a quiet loner.”
9. Removed from a department store last December after screaming at Santa, “You’re going to die up there, fat man!”
8. Can’t stop washing his paws.
7. Colorful eggs now filled with Prozac.
6. Apartment walls covered with photos of Sharon Stone.
5. Met with Dr. Kevorkian about the possibility of a “suicide egg.”
4. Rotting corpse of Energizer bunny recently discovered in his crawl space.
3. Won’t come out of his compound in Waco, Texas.
2. He’s hippity-hopped up on crack.
1. Keeps rubbing himself for good luck.
Q. What do you call a line of rabbits walking backwards?A. A receding hareline.
Q. How do you know carrots are good for your eyes?
A. Have you ever seen a rabbit with glasses?
Q. What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a boyscout?
A. A boyscout who helps little old ladies hop across the street.
Q. What do you get when you cross a rabbit with an elephant?
A. An elephant who never forgets to eat his carrots.
Q. How are rabbits like calculators?
A. They both multiply really fast.
Q. Why can’t a rabbit’s nose be twelve inches long?
A. Because then it would be a foot.
Q. How can you tell which rabbits are the oldest in a group?
A. Just look for the gray hares.
Q. How do you know when you’re eating rabbit stew?
A. When it has hares in it.
Q. What do you call a rabbit who tells jokes?
A. A funny bunny.
Q. What do you call rabbits that live at the North Pole?
A. Cold.
Q. What do rabbits have that nothing else in the world has?
A. Baby rabbits.
Q. What is a rabbit’s favorite dance?
A. The Bunny Hop of course.
Q. Waitress, what’s this hare doing in my soup?A. Looks like the back stroke.
Q. How do bunnies stay healthy?
A. Eggercise
Q. What do you cal a bunny with a dictionary in his pants?
A. A smarty pants.
Q. What would you call the Easter Bunny if he married a chicken?
A. The first Rabbit to lay and egg.
Q. What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole?
A. A Hot Cross bunny.
Q. What do you get when you cross a bunny with a spider?
A. A harenet.
Q. What did the bunny say when he only had thistles to eat?
A. Thistle have to do!
Q. Why is a bunny the luckiest animal in the world?
A. It has 4 rabbits’ feet.
Q. How do you get letter to a bunny?
A. Hare mail.
Q. What is the difference between a crazy bunny and a counterfeit banknote?
A. One is bad money and the other is a mad bunny!
Q. What do you get when you cross a bunny with an onion?
A. A bunion.
Q. What does a bunny use when it goes fishing?
A. A harenet.
Q. What did the bunny want to do when he grew up?
A. Join the Hare Force.
Q. What goes ha-ha-clunk?
A. A bunny laughing its head off.
Q. How do you make a rabbit stew?
A. Make it wait for 3 hours!
Q. Where does a bunny go when it dies?
A. To the hare-after.
Q: Why are people always tired in April?
A: Because they just finished a march
Q: What do you call a very smart bunny?
A: An egghead.
Q: What do you call the Easter Bunny the Monday after Easter?
A: Tired.
Q: What did the rabbit say to the carrot?
A: It’s been nice gnawing you.
Q: Why did a fellow rabbit say that the Easter Bunny was self-centered?
A: Because he is eggocentric. (egocentric)
Q: Where does Valentine’s Day comes after Easter?
A: In the dictionary.
Q: Do you know how bunnies stay in shape?
A: Hareobics.
Q: What’s the difference between a bunny and a lumberjack?
A: One chews and hops, the other hews and chops.
Q: How does the Easter Bunny say Happy Easter?
A: Hoppy Easter!
Q: Why did the magician have to cancel his show?
A: He’d just washed his hare and couldn’t do a thing with it.
Q. Why does the easter bunny have such a shiny nose?
A. His powder puff’s on the wrong end.
Q. What do you call it when a rabbit has an accident with a knife?
A. A hare cut.
Q. Why do rabbits do so well at school?
A. They’re experts at multiplication.
Q. What came first, the chicken or the egg?
A. Neither–the Easter Bunny!
Q. Where do Easter Bunnies go for new tails?
A. To the retail store.
Q. Do you know how to find the Easter bunny if he was lost?
A. Make a noise like a carrot; he’ll find you.
Knock,knock.
Who’s there?
Ether
Ether who?
Ether bunny.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Juan
Juan who?
Juan more ether bunny.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Stella
Stella who?
Stella nother ether bunny.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Justin
Justin who?
Justin other Ether Bunny.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Samoa
Samoa who?
Samoa Ether Bunnies.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Beryl
Beryl who?
Beryl of ether bunnies.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dewey
Dewey who?
Dewey have to listen to any more ether bunny jokes?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Consumption.
Consumption who?
Consumption be done about all these ether bunnies?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cargo
Cargo who?
Cargo “beep, beep”…run over all the ether bunnies.
Knock, Knock.
Who’s there?
Boo.
Boo who?
Don’t cry–all the Ether bunnies will be back again next year!”
Q. What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear?
A. 14 carrot gold.
Q. What kind of book does a rabbit like at bedtime?
A. One with a hoppy ending.
Easter Quotes and Easter Sayings
On Easter Day the veil between time and eternity thins to gossamer.
– Douglas Horton
Easter says you can put truth in a grave, but it won’t stay there.
– Clarence W. Hall
The story of Easter is the story of God’s wonderful window of divine surprise.
– Carl Knudsen
The joyful news that He is risen does not change the contemporary world. Still before us lie work, discipline, sacrifice. But the fact of Easter gives us the spiritual power to do the work, accept the discipline, and make the sacrifice.
– Henry Knox Sherrill
Easter is the demonstration of God that life is essentially spiritual and timeless.
– Charles M. Crowe
Easter spells out beauty, the rare beauty of new life.
– S.D. Gordon
Easter tells us that life is to be interpreted not simply in terms of things but in terms of ideals.
– Charles M. Crowe
Easter Quotations – Famous Quotes for Easter
Lots More Famous Quotes
TOP 10 SIGNS YOUR CAT HAS LEARNED YOUR INTERNET PASSWORD
10. E-Mail flames from some guy named Fluffy.”
9. Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard.
8. You find you’ve been subscribed to strange newsgroups like
alt.
recreational.
catnip.
7. Your web browser has a new home page:
. 6. Your mouse has teeth marks in it …
and a strange aroma of tuna.
5. Hate-mail messages to Apple Computer Corp.
about their release of “CyberDog.”
4. Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial scent to it.
3. You keep finding new software around your house like CatinTax and WarCat II.
2. On IRC you’re known as the IronMouser.
1. Little kitty carpal-tunnel braces near the scratching post.
Well, a man was driving down a country road, and he decided to get out and get some fresh air.
He got out, and started walking in a meadow. As he walked, he came upon a hole. Wanting to see how deep it was, he threw a pebble down. No sound. So he threw a medium-sized rock down. No sound.
The man started to get frustrated, so he threw a boulder down. No sound. As he searched about, he spotted a railroad beam. He hauled it over to the hole, and shoved it in. No sound.
He sat down on the ground, exhausted. Suddenly, he saw a goat running at him, full speed. He leaped up, and it brushed past him, and fell in the hole. He listened, but there was no sound.
He sat down again. A few minutes later, a farmer came walking up. The man asked him, “How deep is this hole?” The farmer said, “Oh. Thats the bottomless pit. It never ends. Say, have you seen my prize goat?”
The man, not wanting to get the blame, said, “No.” The farmer said, “Oh well. He can’t get far. He was tied to a railroad beam.”
A father walks into a bookstore with his young son. The boy is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy’s testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy’s testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, “I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?”
“No,” the woman replied, … “Divorce attorney”
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to
get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they
pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind
the counter: “Are you the owner?”
The pharmacist answers “Yes”.
Jacob: “We’re about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?”
Pharmacist: “Of course we do.”
Jacob: “How about medicine for circulation?”
Pharmacist: “All kinds.”
Jacob: “Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis?”
Pharmacist: “Definitely.”
Jacob: “How about Viagra?”
Pharmacist: “Of course.”
Jacob: “Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?”
Pharmacist: “Yes, a large variety. The works.”
Jacob: “What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson’s disease?”
Pharmacist: “Absolutely.”
Jacob: “You sell wheelchairs and walkers?”
Pharmacist: “All speeds and sizes”
Jacob says to the pharmacist: “We’d like to use this store as our Bridal Registry.
Air France
U.S. UPSET THAT FRENCH RELEASED AIRLINE PASSENGERS WITHOUT PROBABLE CAUSE
Should Have Detained Passengers A Year Or Two, Says Ashcroft
John Ashcroft and other high ranking Bush Administration
officials said the French were “soft on terror” after they
released all the passengers booked on six Air France flights
to Los Angeles after a mere ten hours. Authorities believed
that some of the passengers may have had links to al Qaeda
and may have had plans to do something in the future to
someone or something somewhere.
“This is not the way we deal with terrorists in the United
States,” said Ashcroft. “If you’re serious, you detain
everybody for at least a year.”
Andy Card agreed. “The French had no reason to believe
that any of those passengers was not connected to
terrorism, but still they just let them march right out of
custody and back to their lives and families. Pathetic.”
“I guess it must be a froggy thing,” said Ashcroft.
At first officials suspected that those who showed up to
board the flight could be terrorists, but they now suspect
that those who did not show up to take the flight could
be terrorists.
New Years Eve Day
It was the early morning hours of New Year’s Eve, and the phone
at our small post office rang constantly with people asking the postal
clerk if there would be mail delivery that day. To put a stop to the
interruptions, the clerk had the local radio station announce that there
would be mail delivery.
She had a few moments’ peace after that, until the phone interrupted.
“I just heard on the radio that there will be mail delivery today,” the
voice on the other end said. “Is that true?”
Off The Corner!
A rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with an
experienced partner. A call came over the car’s radio telling them
to disperse some people who were loitering.
The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd
standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said,
“Let’s get off the corner.”
No one moved, so he barked again, “Let’s get off the corner!”
Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled
glances in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the
young policeman turned to his partner and asked, “Well, how did
I do?”
“Pretty good,” replied the veteran, “especially since this is a
bus stop.”
Man and Woman
Why did God create Man before Woman?
He didn’t want any advice.
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