Archive for Sayings

Funny Jokes

Golf joke

1. Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle.

2. “I wish I could play my normal game…just once.”

3. “Golf is harder than baseball. In golf, you have to play your foul balls.”

4. If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here’s a valuable tip: your life is in trouble.

5. Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot.

6. The term “mulligan” is really a contraction of the phrase “maul it again.”

7. A “gimmie” can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers… neither of whom can putt very well.

8. An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play; it is always possible to get worse.

9. Golf’s a hard game to figure. One day you’ll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink.

10. I play in the low 80s. If it’s any hotter than that, I won’t play.

11. If your best shots are the practice swing and the “gimme” Putt, you might wish to reconsider this game.

12. Achieving a certain level of success in golf is only important if you can finally enjoy the level you’ve reached after you’ve really reached it.

13. Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.

14. Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won’t work and both are Expensive.

15. The best wood in most golfers’ bags is the pencil.

16. To some golfers, the greatest handicap is the ability to add correctly.

17. In golf, some people tend to get confused with all the numbers … they shoot a “six,” yell “fore” and write “five.”

18. Swing easy. Hit hard.

19. If you find yourself pleased that you locate more balls in the rough than you actually have lost, your focus is totally wrong and your personality might not be right for golf… it is also just a matter of time before the IRS investigates your business.

20. Why is it twice as difficult to hit a ball over water than sand?

21. Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks!

Funny Quotes
Funny Simon Cowell Quotes

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Talk Like a Pirate Day

In honor of “Talk Like a Pirate Day” September 19 we bring you the following Pirate Joke which is on display over at Famous People Blog in this Pirate Jokes post.

Jokes – Pirate Jokes by Famous People

Q:  Why don’t pirates get carpal tunnel syndrome?

A:  Because they practice   …  Arrrgghonomics.

Bill Austin

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Bilingual typist wanted…

Funny Jokes

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HELP WANTED

Must be a good typist and be good with a computer.
Successful applicant must be bilingual.
We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.

A short time time later a lovely golden retriever dog trotted up to the
window, saw the sign and went inside.  He looked at the receptionist and
wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it, whined and
pawed the air.

The receptionist called the office manage.  He was surprised, to say the
least, to see a canine applicant.  However, the dog looked determined, so he
led him into the office.  Inside, the dog jumped up on a chair and stared at
the manager expectantly.

The manager said, “I can’t hire you.  The sign says you must be able to
type.”  The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to quickly
type a perfect business letter.  He took out the page and trotted over to
the manager, gave it to him, then jumped back up on the chair.

The manager was stunned, but told the dog, “That was fantastic, but I’m
sorry.  The sign clearly says that whomever I hire has to be good with a
computer.”

The dog jumped down again, went to the computer and proceeded to demonstrate
his expertise with various programs, produced a sample spreadsheet and
database, then presented them to the manager.

The manager was dumbfounded!  He said to the dog, “Hey, I realize that you
are a ! very intelligent applicant and have fantastic talent, but you’re a
dog – no way could I hire you.”

The dog jumped down and went to the sign in the window and pointed his paw
at the words, “Equal Opportunity Employer.”

The exasperated manager said, “Yes, I know what the damned sign says.  But
the sign also says you have to be bilingual.”

The dog looked him straight in the eye and said,

“Meow.”

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Daffy Definitions

Definitions not in the dictionary 

ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.

INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.

*SKELETON:* A past Job
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES:
Something other people have.
I have character lines!

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Funny Jokes – Always Late

Tom was in his early 50s, retired and started a second career.

However, he just couldn’t seem to get to work on time. Every day, he was five, 10, 15 minutes late.

But, he was a good worker and real sharp, so the boss was in a quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, one day he called Tom into his office for a talk.

“Tom, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic. You do a bang- up job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome.”

“Yes, I know boss and I am working on it.”

“Well good, you are a team player. That’s what I like to hear.

It’s odd though, your coming in late. I know you’re retired from the Air Force. What did they say if you came in late there?”

“They said, ‘Good morning, General.'”

Funny Jokes

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Age

How Ood are you?

Nurse: “How old are you, Mrs. Simmons?”

Patient: “None of your business.”

Nurse: “But the doctor must know your age for his records.”

Patient: “Well, first, multiply twenty by two, then add ten. Got that?”

Nurse: “Yes. Fifty.”

Patient: “All right, now subtract fifty, and tell me, what do you get?”

Nurse: “Zero.”

Patient: “Right. And that’s exactly the chance of me telling you my age.”

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Funny Sayings

Funny Sayings

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
– Peter Ustinov

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk,
my first instinct is to laugh.
But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me.
Then it wouldn’t seem quite so funny.
– Jack Handey, Deep Thoughts

I’m a classic example of all humorists — only funny when I’m working.
– Peter Sellers

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
– Will Rogers

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