Archive for Famous Quotes

Funny Jokes

Golf joke

1. Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle.

2. “I wish I could play my normal game…just once.”

3. “Golf is harder than baseball. In golf, you have to play your foul balls.”

4. If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here’s a valuable tip: your life is in trouble.

5. Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot.

6. The term “mulligan” is really a contraction of the phrase “maul it again.”

7. A “gimmie” can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers… neither of whom can putt very well.

8. An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play; it is always possible to get worse.

9. Golf’s a hard game to figure. One day you’ll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink.

10. I play in the low 80s. If it’s any hotter than that, I won’t play.

11. If your best shots are the practice swing and the “gimme” Putt, you might wish to reconsider this game.

12. Achieving a certain level of success in golf is only important if you can finally enjoy the level you’ve reached after you’ve really reached it.

13. Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.

14. Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won’t work and both are Expensive.

15. The best wood in most golfers’ bags is the pencil.

16. To some golfers, the greatest handicap is the ability to add correctly.

17. In golf, some people tend to get confused with all the numbers … they shoot a “six,” yell “fore” and write “five.”

18. Swing easy. Hit hard.

19. If you find yourself pleased that you locate more balls in the rough than you actually have lost, your focus is totally wrong and your personality might not be right for golf… it is also just a matter of time before the IRS investigates your business.

20. Why is it twice as difficult to hit a ball over water than sand?

21. Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks!

Funny Quotes
Funny Simon Cowell Quotes


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The liberal

A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man,
which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.

G. Gordon Liddy

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Talk Like a Pirate Day

In honor of “Talk Like a Pirate Day” September 19 we bring you the following Pirate Joke which is on display over at Famous People Blog in this Pirate Jokes post.

Jokes – Pirate Jokes by Famous People

Q:  Why don’t pirates get carpal tunnel syndrome?

A:  Because they practice   …  Arrrgghonomics.

Bill Austin

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Who Wants to Live to be 100?

Live to 100

When a grandmother was in her late eighties, she decided to move to Israel. As part of the preparations, she went to see
her doctor and get all her charts. The doctor asked her how she was doing, so she gave him a litany of complaints — this hurts, that’s stiff, I’m tired and slower, etc.

He responded, “Mrs. Siegel, you have to expect things to start deteriorating. After all, who wants to live to 100?”

The grandmother looked him straight in the eye and replied,
“Anyone who’s 99, that’s who!”

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How Ood are you?

Nurse: “How old are you, Mrs. Simmons?”

Patient: “None of your business.”

Nurse: “But the doctor must know your age for his records.”

Patient: “Well, first, multiply twenty by two, then add ten. Got that?”

Nurse: “Yes. Fifty.”

Patient: “All right, now subtract fifty, and tell me, what do you get?”

Nurse: “Zero.”

Patient: “Right. And that’s exactly the chance of me telling you my age.”

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Funny Sayings

Funny Sayings

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
– Peter Ustinov

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk,
my first instinct is to laugh.
But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me.
Then it wouldn’t seem quite so funny.
– Jack Handey, Deep Thoughts

I’m a classic example of all humorists — only funny when I’m working.
– Peter Sellers

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
– Will Rogers

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