Archive for February, 2008

Funny Jokes

Golf Game

John and Bob were two of the bitterest golf rivals at the club. Niether man trusted the others arithmetic.

One day they were playing a heated match and watching each other like hawks.

After holing out on the fourth green and marking his six on the scorecard, John asked Bob, what,d you have?

Bob went through the motions of mentally counting up. Six!” he said and then hastily corrected himself. No-a five.”

Calmly John marked the scorecard, saying out loud “Eight!”

“Eight?” Bob said, “I could’nt have had eight.”

John said, “Nope, you claimed six, then changed it to five. But actually you had seven.”

“Then why did you mark down eight?” asked Bob.

John told him, “one stroke penalty,’for improving your LIE’.”

Love Quotes
Joke of the Day

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Funny Jokes

Five stages of drunkenness

Stage 1 – SMART- This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.

Stage 2 – GOOD LOOKING- This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 – RICH- This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you win all your bets. It doesn’t matter how much you bet ‘cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.

Stage 4 – BULLET PROOF- You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone… especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge them to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and, hell, you’re BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!

Stage 5 – INVISIBLE- This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you…AND…because you’re still SMART, you know all the words.

Funny Jokes
Famous Quotes

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Funny Jokes

Giving New Life

I was interviewing a jeweler for a story I was writing on giving new life to old jewelry, and I asked him to tell me about his most memorable client.

“It was a divorced woman who had me make a pair of earrings from her inscribed wedding band,” he remembered. “One earring read, ‘with all,’ and the other, ‘my love.’

When I asked why she had wanted it done that way, she answered, ‘To remind me the next time anyone says that to me, I should let in go in one ear and out the other.'” Funny Jokes
Sayings

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Funny Jokes

The problem with curbing our appetites is that most of us do it at the drive in window of McDonalds.

The most fattening thing you can put in an ice cream sundae is a spoon.

Funny Quotes – Funny Jokes
Shakespeare Quotes

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Funny Jokes

What Does Love Mean???

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, “What does love mean?” The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ “Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.” …Chris – age 7 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ “Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.” …Mary Ann – age 4 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ “I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.” …Lauren – age 4 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ “When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.” …Karen – age 7 Love Quotes
Christmas Jokes

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Funny Quotes – Insults

Your idea of fidelity is not having more than one man in bed at the same time.
– Frederic Raphael

Recipes

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Funny Jokes – Dog Jokes

Attack Dog Shopping…[May be offensive to lawyers]

A man wanted a big, ferocious dog to protect his business, so he visited a kennel that specializes in attack dogs. The man explained to the kennel owner that he wanted the biggest, meanest, most vicious dog in the kennel, and the owner offered to take the man on a tour of the premises.

After they had been walking for a few minutes, they came upon a large dog. He was snarling loudly and biting and clawing at the cage.

“He looks like he’d be a pretty good attack dog,” said the buyer.

“Well, he’s not bad,” replied the owner, “but I have something better in mind for you.”

They continued walking around the premises, and after a while they found an even larger, meaner dog than the first. He snarled at the two men and tried to bite them through the wire on his cage.

“Ah,” said the buyer. “This must be the dog you were referring to earlier.”

“Well, no.” said the owner. “I have something better in mind for you.”

The men continued their tour. Eventually, they came upon a fairly large dog that was lying quietly on his side, licking his butt. He did not seem to notice as the men approached.

“This is the dog I had in mind for you,” said the owner.

The buyer was flabbergasted. “You’re joking!” he exclaimed.

“This dog seems quite tame; he doesn’t act at all like an attack dog at all. Hell, he’s just lying there, licking his butt!”

“I know, I know,” said the owner. “But you see, he just ate a lawyer, and he’s trying to get the taste out of his mouth.” Quote of the Day

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