Jokes Blog

I was raised half Jewish and half Catholic. When I’d go to confession, I’d say “Bless me, father, for I have sinned — and you know my attorney, Mr.Cohen.” – Bill Maher

Diabetic Recipes

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy. – W.C. Fields

Cabbage Soup

Never play strip poker with a nudist, they have nothing to lose.

Diabetic Recipes

Daily Affirmations for Pessimists

Don’t try beating ‘em or joining ‘em. Either hang out by yourself or quit.

Seek, and you shall be disappointed.

Knock, and the door shall be slammed in your face.

If you don’t have anything nice to say, welcome to the club.

Did you ever sit back and evaluate your life and think, “Wow, things are going just as I always wanted them to?” I didn’t think so. Me either.

Diabetic Recipes

Sincerity is everything. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made. – George Burns

Jokes Blog

I like airplanes

I like airplanes because:

Airplanes usually kill you quickly, women take their time.

Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.

Airplanes don’t get mad if you do a “touch and go.”

Airplanes don’t object to a preflight inspection.

Airplanes come with manuals that explain their operation and behavior.

Airplanes have strict limits on weight and balance.

Airplanes can be flown any time of the month.

Airplanes don’t come with in-laws.

Airplanes don’t care about how many other airplanes you’re already flying, much less looking at.

Airplanes and pilots both arrive (and take off) at the same time.

Airplanes don’t mind if you buy airplane magazines.

Airplanes expect to be tied down.

Airplanes don’t comment on your piloting skills except in real extreme cases, and then you’re happy they do (GROUND WARNING! PULL UP! PULL UP!)

However….when airplanes go quiet…..just like women, it’s usually not a good sign.

Funny Quotes

My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am.

Ask Amy

Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together for people over 50:

1. A nose ring and bifocals

2. Spiked hair and bald spots

3. A pierced tongue and dentures

4. Miniskirts and support hose

5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads

6. Speedos and cellulite

7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar

8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor

9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge

10. Bikinis and liver spots

11. Short shorts and varicose veins

12. In-line skates and a walker

Quotes Blog

My father heard the story of the Menendez brothers. He quit playing the lottery. He said ‘Screw it, I’ve got twelve kids. Any one of them could snap.” – Paul Rodriguez

Cotzaciones

Ordinarily he is insane. But he has lucid moments when he is only stupid.
– Heinrich Heine

Sayings