Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read. -Groucho Marx Stiletto Effect
Archive for February, 2008
Funny Quotes – Insults
He is a self-made man and worships his creator.
– John Bright
Funny Quotes – Insults
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.
– Oscar Wilde
Funny Jokes
It’s not the minutes spent at the table that put on weight, it’s the seconds.
The best way to lose weight is by skipping ,,,, snacks and desert.
Funny Jokes – Silly Jokes
I went to a restaurant with a sign that said they served breakfast at any time. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance. – Steven Wright
Funny Quotes – Insults
Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.
– Ashleigh Brilliant
Funny Quotes – Insults
“Go to hell!” or other insult direct is all the answer a snoopy question rates.
– Robert A. Heinlein, Notebooks of Lazarus
Funny Jokes
Golf Game
John and Bob were two of the bitterest golf rivals at the club. Niether man trusted the others arithmetic.
One day they were playing a heated match and watching each other like hawks.
After holing out on the fourth green and marking his six on the scorecard, John asked Bob, what,d you have?
Bob went through the motions of mentally counting up. Six!” he said and then hastily corrected himself. No-a five.”
Calmly John marked the scorecard, saying out loud “Eight!”
“Eight?” Bob said, “I could’nt have had eight.”
John said, “Nope, you claimed six, then changed it to five. But actually you had seven.”
“Then why did you mark down eight?” asked Bob.
John told him, “one stroke penalty,’for improving your LIE’.”
Funny Jokes
Five stages of drunkenness
Stage 1 – SMART- This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.
Stage 2 – GOOD LOOKING- This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.
Stage 3 – RICH- This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you win all your bets. It doesn’t matter how much you bet ‘cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.
Stage 4 – BULLET PROOF- You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone… especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge them to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and, hell, you’re BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!
Stage 5 – INVISIBLE- This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you…AND…because you’re still SMART, you know all the words.
Funny Jokes
Giving New Life
I was interviewing a jeweler for a story I was writing on giving new life to old jewelry, and I asked him to tell me about his most memorable client.
“It was a divorced woman who had me make a pair of earrings from her inscribed wedding band,” he remembered. “One earring read, ‘with all,’ and the other, ‘my love.’
When I asked why she had wanted it done that way, she answered, ‘To remind me the next time anyone says that to me, I should let in go in one ear and out the other.’” Funny Jokes
Sayings
